Borg?

Day 236

It was April 2017 when I started my recovery.  One of the few things I had left from the ruins of my own destruction was choice. The choice to carry on with my addiction to its inevitable and painful end, or the choice fight with absolutely everything I had left and see how far I get. Whatever happens, happens. I had literally already lost everything. I had nothing to lose. So, I got in the ring with everyone else, put on my gloves and fought. I fought bloody hard! But I needed help.

I was given mental tools and had my brain pulled apart by amazing experts. Peers and brand-new friends helped me to re-wire the damaged, frazzled sponge which was slopping around in my head. It still sputters, sparks and slops now and again but the damage is reduced. The harm has been minimised and monitored to carry on the constant sober war.

Sadly, as we all learn very quickly, the fight is life-long. We can’t take eyes off our opponent (addiction) for any amount of time or we are screwed. I found this out to my cost with two relapses.

But things do ease and calm with time and effort. Nowadays I’m lightly but constantly sparring with one hand whilst getting on with life with the other. I have focus and I have a plan. But most of all – I want to live. So, although I can never get out of the ring, I can fill it with hopes, dreams, friendship, love, and the little miracles that happen along the way.

It’s my new normal.

Understandably, it’s very frustrating for non-addicts to stand by and watch helplessly as they try to comprehend what we do and how we do it. But it’s just another day in the office for the rest of us. It’s something we simply must do.

If you ever see me about and I’m looking calm, cool, happy, and contented – don’t be fooled! It’s bullshit. Inside I’m ducking, dodging, weaving, and kicking the living crap out of my lifelong and mortal enemy. You’ll know what I mean if you’re fighting your own addiction.

In recovery, we are like The Borg from Star Trek. We are the collective, interconnected, the same – we are one! Whatever the country, language, gender, class, or status. But unlike the characters from Star Trek, we always try to be nice to our fellow humans.

In short, life is finally getting shall we say . . . interesting, to say the least! I’m getting there.

If you are reading this and you are struggling in your own recovery – keep going! Just keep going! Don’t ever give up! Who knows where it may lead? But wherever it goes, surely it must better than the hell you have come from. What have you got to lose?

Stay safe everyone xx